To Remember You By
by Tortured Remorse
Summary: Eli watches helplessly as Clare becomes weaker and weaker, fading away before his very eyes. Will he be forced to say good-bye?


_**To Remember You By**_

_**Disclaimer**__**:**_ Naturally, I don't own anything Degrassi.

Eli Goldsworthy was becoming restless.

He had made himself comfortable in Clare's hospital room, listening to some music on his iPod, but was ubable to focus on the soothing music. He had wanted to go with Clare to her chemo treatment, but she had insisted that she needed to be alone with some of her fellow cancer endurers. This upset Eli because he wanted to be there for her, yet she wanted to be alone. He obliged, reluctantly. He kept glancing at the clock on the wall, willing time to go faster just so he could see Clare again. Ever since he learned that she had cancer, he'd done his best to be strong for her but deep down his heart was broken. The love of his life was suffering from cancer and just like what had happened in the past, she could die. Eli could lose the one girl who meant everything to him.

The thought was unbearable.

Deciding that he couldn't listen to music any longer, he pulled each ear bud out and shut down his iPod. He stood up and slowly began to pace the room, deperately looking for something to distract him from these terrible thoughts of being at Clare's funeral. He never understood why his mind tortured him with such images, but right now he didn't even want to _think _about that. Why would he even think of such terrible things? Clare was going to be fine. She was going to become a teenage success story and a cancer survivior. The doctors had managed to catch it early enough. She was going to be fine.

_But you know a different truth, don't you, Eli? You know that Clare could die – Julia did. No one ever thought she would die so young, but she did. She didn't even have cancer, and cancer is more of a killer than any car. _

"Stop." Eli pleaded with the voice that was torturing him – his own voice. "Please, stop.."

_Don't try to deny it. You know very well that you could be attending a second girlfriend's funeral. _

"STOP IT!" Eli cried, covering his ears as if that would silence the voice in his head. "PLEASE!"

"Eli?"

Eli blinked, removing his hands from his ears. "Clare! You're back!"

She smiled weakly. "Yes, but it seems like I'm not the one they should be worrying about." She looked at him and Eli could see the concern and worry in her eyes. "Are you okay?"

Normally he would want to tell her what had just happened, but as she got into her bed and winced, Eli knew he couldn't become another burden. "Yeah, I'm fine." He lied. "How was your treatment?"

Despite being weak and in pain, Clare's eyes narrowed. "Elijah Goldsworthy. You'd better tell me what I just witnessed."

Eli frowned. "How much of it did you see?"

"The entire thing."

"I'm just worried about you." He admitted, wiltering under her stern but compassionate gaze. "I know you've been busy fighting this thing, but my... my mind is playing cruel tricks on me."

Clare's expression softened and she grabbed his hand, giving it a soft squeeze. "Tell me."

His heart was in his throat and he couldn't speak. How could he tell her that his mind was reminding him of the reality that she could die? That he would be forced to attend another funeral? Now wasn't the time to bring up Julia, either. Clare thought he had been able to leave her in the past and forgive himself for the part he played in her death. He had, for a while. Ever since Clare had been diagnosed, though, his fears and guilt had returned. The nightmares, too. None of these things that Eli could marshal the strength to tell her. Instead he smiled sadly, squeezing her hand softly and whispering, "I can't."

A frown touched Clare's lips. "You can't or you won't?"

"Don't make me say it, Clare." Eli said, his voice a strangled whisper. "Please."

Clare leaned in; pressing her lips to Eli's softly. "I just want to help. You're in so much pain... I-I didn

't know.."

"Of course you wouldn't know." Eli said, looking down. "I wait until you're asleep to let out all of the emotions that I've held in."

"You've been crying while I've been asleep?" She asked softly. "And you didn't tell me? You haven't woken me up?"

"You need your rest, Clare. It's important."

"Not as important as my boyfriend being so upset and broken!" Clare said, tears brimming in her blue eyes. "I need to be there for you as much as you need to be there for me."

"I'm not the one with cancer," Eli protested. "I'm fine. You're the one that we need to be worried about, not me."

Her tears spilled down her cheeks and she sobbed softly.

"Clare, Clare, I'm sorry," Eli murmured, getting into the bed and wrapping his arms around her. "I didn

t want to upset you, okay? That's all. You've got to focus on beating this and not worry about me. That's what I think."

"Of course I'm going to worry about you, Eli! I love you! Why did I have to get this? Why did God do this to me?"

After she said that, Eli didn't know what to say. He tried with all of his might to come up with something that would cheer her up, but it was no use. Clare sobbed in his arms and there was nothing he could do to help her but hold her. So that's what he did. He closed his eyes and held her as she sobbed, doing his best to fight back tears of his own

Finally Clare calmed down enough say; "I love you, Eli."

"I love you, too, Clare." Eli said with a sad smile. "More than you know."

Clare pulled back enough for her to eagerly press her lips to Eli's, that he returned just as eagerly.

"Clare Diana Edwards?" A voice asked and they broke the kiss, Clare looking over at the voice that turned out to be a male nurse she didn't recognize.

"Yes?" She said softly.

"Your blood results have come back and we'd like to discuss them with you."

_**Author's Note**_

_**Well, I hope I've caught your interest. **_

_**Let me know if you'd like me to continue. **_


End file.
